It’s been a while since I journal’d. There are a dozen drafts in my folder I can’t seem to finish. Not sure why. It’s been a numb feeling towards grief overall which, out of experience means the day will come when it hits me like a brick and I will cry my soul out and distance myself to embrace the feeling while sitting in solitude.
Today however, a person’s death is shifting me in a way I needed to find an explanation for. So here I sit, in front of a blank, untitled word document and write to find some light in the darkness:
Yesterday several work friends messaged me about very tragic news within our ER-family. I want to call it family because in our department we all work with so much heart, soul and effort to keep people alive and also making them better than when we first encountered them. We cuss, we laugh, we cry, we sweat…a lot. We grieve for people we don’t even know. This doesn’t mean we are all super close friends, hang out after work constantly or discuss our lives with each other on a regular basis (maybe some more, some less…we do make friends after all at work, right ;)) but we are a team. A damn good one!!!
Yesterday was heavy. My night off. My phone just vibrating away. One of our own people died tragically, very unexpectedly in an accident on her adventures. She was very young, full of life and showed much love through her work as Nurse Practitioner. Personally, I never had much to do with her other than occasional run ins. We were never introduced to each other, it was simply a person I shared the ups and downs of the Emergency Department with during our night shifts here and there. Yet, I feel the extreme weight of hurt and grief of our unit in my heart. I am in absolute disbelief and shock.
Why, though? I never had much to do with her. She sat on one side of the nurses station, I sat on the other, and sometimes when covering phones I would let her know she had a call on line XYZ. That is the only reason I even know her name…she was the one reacting to my blurting out the info into the circle of Doc’s, PA’s and nursing staff, which triggered the thought in my head “Oh, that’s who you are ”, creating basic awareness. As a matter of fact, about 2 weeks ago I acknowledged an order from her (cause now I knew the face to the initials on the track board), did the assignment and wanted to hand it to her as she flew by me with her energetic, life filled march, towards her computer. I didn’t know what she was, only knew her name, so I didn’t want to disrespect and called her ‘Doctor’. She took the paper from my hand without saying a word and kept walking. Me, thinking to myself “hm. Okay?” That was that. Later that night I saw it on her badge that she was a NP. Doc wasn’t the right title. I need to mention, you don’t get introduced to everyone nor do people introduce themselves to you and state their position. So, I get titles wrong often until these little discoveries here and there when I learn their position/occupation/title. All I know is they sit on this side, we, the nurses and CAs sit on the other side. Different pools, one mutual goal, one team!
Very few days ago however, we ran into each other in the kitchen grabbing water. Another work friend and I brought a fun fact about our water fountain to her attention which had us all laughing and she said “ You guys are my heroes for pointing that out to me, I would have never known”. It was a delightful moment. This was one of the very few encounters I had with her where we actually shared words. And it was refreshing and fun.
Today, I am glad I am not at work. I am glad I am at home, feeling the grief from afar vs being there where the world was just turned upside down. Where people are heavy, sick to their stomachs and hearts, from this awful tragedy. I am sad and shook to my core for all of them. For her family. She was at such a tender age, full of life and adventure – you know how I know? I looked her up on social media. Like many other people I didn’t know much of a person and was curious…maybe even nosy. Who was she? I understand why she was loved and so deeply cared for after seeing pictures. I had no dislike, I just simply didn’t know her on a personal level…frankly, people who work together for years have a different type of awareness and relationship of and with each other, than people who have been in the circle for little less than a year- then add the constant question of who is a traveler, who is core staff…? That’s just the nature of it.
I feel remorse for the other day when I had my ‘okay’ thought with some hidden attitude. I feel ashamed …Maybe the fact that I didn’t know her title? Her actual place in our Emergency Room? The judgment of her way of marching right by me taking the papers from my hand? The fact that I didn’t put effort into making conversation here and there to get to know the people I work with a little more? I do make it a point to introduce myself to new faces, to welcome them and say Hi when I see them because I am very aware of how awkward it is to not know someone’s job role. If it’s not reciprocated I stop at some point, but today I regret this. I own a sticker that says “I match energy so you decide how we gonna act.” Today I don’t find it funny anymore, because it really is kinda describing my attitude towards a certain type of people, indecent people -and now I am judging…
So what am I really learning from this untimely death? What is she teaching me indirectly? What am I supposed to take from this? It’s love…the matter is always love. The love for a mutual mission. We save peoples lives together, how much more badass can it get in reference to a mutual goal? The love for life. The love for our friends, and care for acquaintances that may not be friends yet, still we share our passions, goals, dreams,…who knows what all things we share that we are oblivious to. The love for a certain type of comradery. The love for adventure. The love and appreciation for mutual respect, recognition …kindness.
We need openness…less judging, not taking personal. The openness towards the shitty ways our ego is trying to play us. It takes certain types of people for certain types of lifestyles, certain types of occupations and certain types of journeys. If we are in the same environment as others, we have a certain trait in common with whomever we associate with, regardless of how tight knit or not (like in this case) we are. There is something that connects us in every aspect of life. There is something connecting us to the people in our energy field. Our circle ranges wider than we like to anticipate, put effort in, or our human mind lets us grasp. There is something we learn from each and every encounter we have.
For me, today, now, I want to shave off an idea of what or who other people may be. I want to not presume anymore. I want to not prejudge. I want to take and accept as is, observe, be kind and love a lot louder. I want to not always listen to my mind, in fact, the mind lies a lot…we cannot always believe what it feeds us.
A life well lived and filled deserves honor, it deserves recognition and a legacy to be upheld.
I want to pray for her, her loved ones, her family and friends, my work family – because those people we share in our circle, even if we aren’t close…the people hurting for such beautiful soul are going through a profound loss and pain.
And I am so deeply sorry for this loss! Sleep peacefully NK.
Holding Space 