There was no “Happy Heavenly 21st Birthday, Ryan’ post. There was also no candle lit on September 19th – l literally forgot. Next to it, the effort of making the home cooked Birthday Wish dinner was also not put in (until two days later)…we had Little Caesars Pizza and Breadsticks. Ryan worked there for three years. His first and only job. The twins found it very awesome actually, little wolf also went to town, which overall saved it for me. I even forgot to serve his ice cream and cookies for dessert… Other than that I don’t remember much other than crying and just not feeling it, still the flowers were fresh, the napkins were pretty and the grandparents were here to gather with us.
The kid turned 21. I was upset. I couldn’t do special… It was a mess. A selfish, painful mess that turned into something very beautiful over the next month, actually.
Healing. Never getting over, but some sort of healing and lots of learning.
We are a day away from Ryan’s Two – year Death Anniversary. I am not going to dwell over how it still feels like yesterday. I am not going to sit here and ball my eyes out. I am not going to be mad over the fact that I had no energy or motivation to celebrate his non existing adulthood. And I am definitely not going to fall into the pity party (today ;)). We all know about this already anyways.
We move forward. 21 is the last real milestone to celebrate in his case. The last milestone in relation to age; Arriving at the point where you are fully responsible. Arriving at the point where a parent can’t fix things for one anymore. Now we find partners to create life with – a Life molded by the tools received by the parents and people of influence we have close in our early life. We have kids, we get married, sometimes college, sometimes trade school, sometimes none of it and not necessarily in this, or any socially acceptable order. None of it though, has a certain age requirement nor is it measured by age anymore. So what do we celebrate from now on? A Birthday? A home going day? LIFE! We celebrate Life! That’s what we do.
For the last month there have been thoughts in my head I wish I would have taken notes on then. There were so many good points, aspects, views to compose a blog post with. I didn’t do any of it, nor do I recall them. For some odd reason I didn’t take notes at all. All I knew is I wanted to write and it was past due since his ‘heavenly birthday’ had arrived. No. Not now and not this time. A day away from his death anniversary I sit here, editing what I have started a week ago when letting my fingers run over this keyboard with an empty mind, driven by – not sure what. I will find out when the closing comes (and I did find out, again – a lot…thank’s kid).
I wrote in my “On coming Alive” Journal (by Lexi Behrndt) for the first time in some months. The headlining quote was “Your absence has gone through me like a thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color.” – by W.S. Merwin. The writing prompt was: What does that empty place look like? What have you been trying to fill it with? How can you fill it with the love you still share? I won’t share my entry here, however, it guided me to finally write this entry.
Six months after Ryan committing suicide, I was so obsessed with the topic of death and dying, all I wanted to do was be around it. I wanted to be next to it. My children, a then 11 month old and 13 year old twins, were my saving grace. They showed me on a daily basis how much life there is still that needs me – and all of me (I wasn’t suicidal but I was mad, as in upset). I found a balance. I wanted closeness to Death itself and closeness to life – my children, my family, my own life. That’s when I took a course and got certified as Death Doula. Pouring care into the dying and their families as well as celebrating the crossing over during very hard times, next to young and new life parallel to it- all seemed like a wonderful silver lining found. I reclaimed and regrouped my time organization and knocked this out in no time – cause it was death related, unlike the Yoga Teacher Training which took me a whoopin’ two years. I started working through my own pain and hurt to learn how I could help others deal with it during these tough times. It was the beginning of some wonderful unfolding. Everything from this time on happened at its own pace, its own time and apparently, the right time. Then I was still a homesteader, tending a garden, children, animals, etc. my life was grounded. However, the soil needed turned. My hands in it, I dug deep. I dug into the soil to stir it all up. Little did I know how deep I would dig, little did I know what profound new paths would open up, little did I know how much I would learn about ancestors, dying, spirit, my role in all of it and living a life between both worlds. The physical and the spiritual. I can be a bit full of it at times. I am a dreamer…with eyes on a goal. So I was led to working through it. There were tears, not always – but here and there. There were profound moments of AHA effects and there were many lessons uncovered and discovered. There were times I was so upset at my son, I wanted to shake the living crap out of him for just leaving us hanging the way he did…
Fast Forward to today: Life. Now we celebrate Life; Legacy. My son, my mama, my grandparents, my uncle, my family, my bloodlines, the close people I had in life that moved on. Life. It’s this one thing I have that I need to fill with as many things as possible cause I won’t be knocking on the fathers door not having fulfilled my mission. Imagine being shown a life that we could have had but we settled for some mediocre every day rut, cause we got lazy with ourselves. Now that I discover all these things it’s all I want to do. Share it. Instill more and more of it into my children, the people that surround me, acquaintances that call me crazy. Call me stuck, consider me drowning in pity. Nope!
I am and I will: I will celebrate life. I will celebrate Ryans life. I will celebrate my Mamas life, not just once a year for ice cream on her birthday. I will celebrate my family members that crossed over, the people’s lives I cared for, whom crossed over. I will be grateful for still being here. I will use my time wisely to care and pour my love into mine, as well as the greater good. I will educate. I will walk gently on this beautiful earth celebrating time given, love spread and shared, opportunity arising, accomplishments achieved.
Mostly I will celebrate learning, and lessons turned into wonderful opportunities cause they are what they are – nothing more, nothing less. I will apply them. In relations to grief or it’s own sake, any ‘sad or negative’ event has one positive to take from it. When it comes to Ryan, dying at the age of 19 there was a relief of one aspect. I want to say there is never a good in death if we view it from our personal view through the eye of the flesh… But it’s not true to me anymore. When Ryan died, with him went my worry about him. The gut wrenching feeling if my rebel child who was out in the middle of the night was okay. When my Mama died, it was horrific. She was very sick, however, I didn’t think of the many negative repercussions it had, like my children not feeling Granny’s love, me being an unmothered mother, my siblings and I being half orphans, my father being a widower at the age of 42. All that kept floating around in my mind was the fact that she was pain free and at peace. No more suffering for her. No more awful cancer treatments (it adds up if you have the awful disease three times even with being in remission). She was free from it all and that was ‘good’ for me. For years I felt this way and never viewed it in a selfish aspect. Today I know the trauma it caused me. I cried here and there, just like with Ryan. But I never was the uncontrollable sobbing, going bananas not sure how to handle herself type person. I cried. In the worst places did I cry sometimes. This alone (not constantly ugly crying) had me feel a lot of guilt and anger towards the self over many years. My grief was so stuck in me that I am not only working on my unfolding as a bereaved mother but also as daughter. I have the utmost respect for people that can let it all out. Uncontrollably let it out and just do that. I wish I could do that sometimes but it’s not there. And that’s okay and I have learned to respect this for myself. So I write my heart out for all kinds of strangers to read…I cry when I have to and don’t hold it in, it’s just never a lot (*insert shoulder shrug, hm-it just is what it is.) Every single person grieves differently and we should all have respect for the human given right to do so how we find fit for ourselves, without any judgment.
Now, today, I want to keep walking forward. I am being guided to use my unfolding, my grief journey, my death experiences to share, educate and advocate for a positive death. This is my way to celebrate. Celebrate life. With birth comes death. We celebrate Birthdays every year. We are grateful for it, every year. But do we really understand the meaning of life/death, let alone celebrating death? It’s not being happy that someone is gone. It is being happy that someone so meaningful it hurts when they are gone, physically, has been with us for the time we were allowed to have with them. Gratitude. We want to be grateful for so many things,… and life. We literally take breathing for granted; it can be quite the task to just sit and focus on the breath. Celebrating life, doesn’t it mean so much more than just birthdays? It entails Death. Can’t have life without death. We all have individual stories. We all have a set amount of time given on this earth. When loved ones die, we should lift them up and remember their part in our story. We celebrate love. Time. Memories. The lessons. The good, the bad, the ugly….because it had an impact on our story. Every little thing shapes us in some sort of way. Grief is Love. We can find ways to incorporate ‘grief love’ and lost ones’ impact on us, into our lives moving forward. This is how we uphold their legacies. This is how we share the impact their life had on ours. This is how we keep them in our heart. Our soul forever remembers. All is love. Love is all. And I will celebrate them til’ my dying day.
So I conclude this post, an in dept discovery of self in relations to my own grief journey and how to proceed with it in reverting back to the questions of my “On Coming Alive” Journal:
1.What does that empty place look like?
It is filled with hope, love, and understanding. It is filled with appreciation for what once was. It is filled with gratitude for having such a big part in my story. It is not empty but sprinkled with grief -love, joy, sadness, gratitude and sometimes a little madness.
2.What have you been trying to fill it with?
Discoveries: these studies, learnings, schoolings, epiphanies…all of it is how I have been filling this space. The space I pledge to hold.
3.How can you fill it with the love you still share?
Holding Space
**Side note: We all experience grief differently. We all live through it differently. This is merely my personal journey and what I am learning for my self in my story. I am not forcing my belief on anyone nor do I ever want to say this is my way and it is the right way. Everyone should be entitled to their own way of grieving without any form of judgement. I am just sharing mine.
The picture (my very last of him) was taken on Ryans’ 19th Birthday. 5 weeks later to the day, he died by shooting himself in the temple. If you or anyone you know is in need to speak to someone, there is hope and there is help…there is always someone available 24/7 by calling or texting #988. Your story matters!
❤ Elena
Holding Space 