Category: Uncategorized

#9

What do you do? Without choice, keep going. At first I army crawled, then I crawled, then I got on my feet and took one step at a time. After that, I took several steps at a time, which turned into actual walking. From there I walked into a psychic mediums room and actually took a jump. Today, 388 days later, I walk fairly steady again.

What is a fairly steady walk? Acceptance. Acceptance that the past isn’t coming back. Acceptance that Ryan is dead. Acceptance that I continue my life with 3/4 of the children I have birthed…here on earth. Acceptance of the good, the bad, and the ugly. Acceptance of how this trauma has altered my entire being. Acceptance of uncontrollable shifts. Acceptance of soul ache at the most ‘inconvenient time’. Acceptance of ugly crying that can last from 3 seconds to ….

I am moving forward in a direction, enfolding newly. Things are different. Parenting became different. Life is different. Somehow it can’t be put in words. It’s driven by emotion and energy. I am coming to resolutions and conclusions seemingly out of character for me. One specific choice, move, drive, one specific action is changing everything.

I quit the fight!

I quit the fight, I am walking away from trying to figuring and finding out anything, from seeking justice or accountability. It was the kid. He wants me to stop…because in my eyes justice won’t be served, ever. Because the heart ache from fighting will do me more harm than walking away. [ My ego really being tested during these ‘mind full’ days, opening doors to many ‘mindful’ moments.] Really, it is a very profound experience -again, not sure how to put in words – i’m not supposed to.

Here is where I need to just quickly add my disclaimer: This is my personal journal I am sharing. They are my point of views, beliefs, insert everything else that applies ;). I truly get, that some have different impressions and ideas and that is alright. All are welcomed, just keep your judgement about my personal feelings at the door, please. Thank you ❤

It was from last year October on, the hope for the law being on a fair side (hm, being a libra ain’t easy). In spring of this year we hired a private investigator. There were no outcomes as to accountability, charges, heck, the investigations from both ends were a bare minimum. So little. So foul. So ignored. Circumstantial evidence screaming “Bullsh!t”!

I walk away from it all.

I am okay. I am at peace, oddly. I am learning to actually live with the never ending feeling of missing my son, the void only his human experience can fill, according to my brain. It is love, just different. I carry it with me every day with love, gratitude, importance, emotion and most importantly the switch from ‘what the f@#k just happened’ to ‘well this happened’. This is good. It’s very cathartic. Of course are there always harder days, but there are good days too. Many. I don’t want to miss them by being only half present. There are three more beautiful children. We as family, we miss their brother together. We talk about him. He is all around, in everything…We love him now from the other side. He loves us and protects us. And still makes jokes 🙂

I think he has the last laugh, and some…

There was a time in his life my hopes of him graduating had faded. While it was always expected of him to graduate, I wasn’t sure he was. Nonetheless, with over 120+ absences during COVID -remote learning to actually graduating in January, the following year, …I am still impressed and proud. So freaking proud!! He did it for me, and for him…but I think the ego was screaming ‘I must prove her wrong!”, well thank goodness 🙂 Sharing with me about the day they took graduation pics in school, he said something down the lines like: ” Yeah, you ain’t gonna like it…”With his fat, mischievous grin. People that know Ryan know exactly what grin I am referring to.

‘If you are going through hard times and you are sad, just remember my smile!’ – He also wanted me to know.

In a blue cap and gown, my son presented himself in the Graduation pic from his High School with a blue, fat beanie under his cap and bloodshot swollen eyes…Half past the flagpole. I wasn’t impressed. He laughed out loud when he showed it to me. I pushed it out of my head and was gently reminded when his death came around…then I realized, the boy had the last laugh…Fast Forward to today. We live in New York State. Here, medical as well as recreational cannabis are both legal. Ryan, the pot head, he would have loved this. And this is where I feel we all had a good last laugh. He would have loved it here. The cowsh!t smell would have definitely been his absolute favorite :). I’m kidding, but it does recall the memories of living in our little hometown in Bavaria, Germany. It was up until Ryan was 3.

I consciously choose to move forward. Leaving the mosaic composed of questions, statements, screenshots, fragments behind, and accepting the relationship I am being offered to have with him. I accept the learning and shifting in all ups and downs some days may hold. The grief always stays but we grow around it. It will get ‘okayer’…But I may not let it have influence in a way it makes me forget the goodness life holds. I have one. Here. Now. Ryan always lived like every day could be his last. Phew, … to say the least. But that doesn’t mean it is a wild ride every day. It means filling it with purpose – and in his case, the purpose wasn’t always a great choice but he knew to hustle and to rest. Yet, he lived with no regret and some serious balls [- good gawd, loud laugh in the back of my head]. Forever will I be grateful for Ryan’s part in my story, I will always have him in me… I must accept, This was His story, not mine. Here is to embracing the sad days, the missing what I have birthed from my womb, the first ever experience of what unconditional love really means…Here is to life now. Here. May I live it to the fullest. May my story be mindful and in presence…for here is where I find you. Always!

“It was love, and I lived in it. And it is grief, and I will carry it.” -Chloe Frayne

#8

September has come to an end. Fall is here…Fall with it’s beautiful ways of showing us how to let go. We choose or not to let go. I want to let go. I want to let go of so much. If I don’t let go I don’t open myself to new things. I am shut in, or off, or maybe down…

It was Ryan’s 20th BornDay. A week after, it was my 42nd. The few weeks leading up to this time period have been a struggle. The fear of what his first Birthday would be without him was a dire dread. Additionally, while always being excited for my Birthdays, 42 was a heavy number for me; a milestone I have been dreading for many, many years. Here is why:

When Ryan was three months old my beloved Mama passed away. This left me an unmothered mother at a young age. I found wise women which have guided me through the last 20 years of my life. Wise women whom have taken me under their wings. Be it my mothers friends, mothers and women I have met throughout my life path, or my preschool teacher. There was guidance all around and there still is, to this day. Some come and go, some are episodes, or even pages in a book, but there is a love I hold for them. But back to my Mama. She was very sick. Not once, not twice, she had cancer three times starting at the tender age of 32. Ten years later she was called home. She was a marvelous woman. She was 42.

Today, it’s October. Thinking back to the month of September, I was, and maybe am still a bit of a train wreck. It was Ryan’s first Birthday without him. It was my 42nd Birthday, my Mothers last, and we as family just started a new chapter, away from everything we knew. I started working in the Emergency Department which consisted and still does, of epic classroom and floor training. I consider it part of my legacy work. Ryan loved the time when I worked in the hospital. Personally, I love/d it too. My Mama was a registered nurse and took me to work here and there, and then I already enjoyed the hospital enviroment. It came as a natural development almost, after my Death Doula certification, to get my foot back in the door at the hospital to eventually work on the oncology or palliative floor. This is where I want to be. It all is taking it’s path and unfolding (Gawd, do I love that word) beautifully. Now that I touched on a little background as to why, where, and how,…September was a nightmare, or so I thought.

We celebrated Ryan on his day. At first I worked day-shift. It felt as if it honored him, not that I had an option, hehe. In the evening, we had his every year wish dinner, meatloaf, mashed pots, cheesy broccoli. Instead of a cookie cake we had chocolate chip cookies with his fave ice cream, cookies and cream, for desert. My in-laws were here, his siblings were given his favorite candies, and his candle lit up the table. We had a very, very nice time. We laughed, we reminisced, we celebrated…and I, I felt joy. I felt a lot of love. Before bed I ugly cried, was held by my kids, and that felt very good too. It was a good day. Good after death looks much different than good before death. How much I miss[ed] him [that day] is beyond obvious. But it was a good day…

My 42nd Birthday is one that’s been on my mind for many years. Every year, age related to my Mama getting sick, I was very conscious about it on my birthday -very, very grateful to say the least. Here I am a healthy, strong, resilient and fierce woman (I get it from her ;)). I get to live this life with my beautiful children. The three I have here walking alongside me, their Mama. And I am healthy! Do you know the thought “What would Mama do now?”, “How would she handle this?”, it is fading. I have arrived at her final age. I have arrived at the point in life where she became a granny, and I have arrived at the time where she was called home (I still have a few months to the actual date but that’s beside the point). I am fully aware what this age feels like now. Even with Ryan’s death having me aged 15 years in the past 12 months, I feel the age for my life to come to an end is far from close. Imagining me being a granny, haha, no where near. There is so much to do, yet. There is so much to accomplish. My kids need me…There is so, so much.

It was Saturday my husbands family came over. The house was filled with kids, laughter, food, and people wanting to make my Birthday good. There was a delicious dinner made by all of them. I didn’t contribute anything. While my sister in law and I hung outside with the kids, my father in law and hubby took the twins and finalized things inside, for me. We all sat together, we ate and were merry. I was happy. I missed Ryan, a freaking lot, but I still was able to be happy. They sang Happy Birthday to me and decorated a delicious Ice Cream cake (from Friendly’s, I bet no one knew this was Ryan and my go to spot before the twins were born <3). It was wonderful. The next morning I woke up to my children. This was my actual Birthday. Once the little guy went down for his nap the twins and hubby cooked up a delicious brunch, while I was laying back in bed with my sister in Germany on the phone. It was so, so good. After hanging out with my SIL that afternoon, I came home and was just happy again. Really weird, but good. My in-laws came back for left over Dinner – which was very nice.

So, to wrap it up – I took almost the entire month of September to grief not only my sons, but also my Mamas death, while starting my own legacy work project. The week leading up to Ryan’s B-day, I fell entirely apart. There was the desperate need to be around my father and siblings. Fortunately I got to speak to all of them during these few days. They are out of the country. I was at the point I thought I needed to check myself in. There was so much pain and an unspeakable amount of agony…There were so many moments of “I can’t do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want the time to come!”, that I didn’t realize how much I let myself break apart, just to find a different way. Not necessarily a new way, just different. In hind sight, I understand (or that’s what I like to think currently) how my mind shifted from missing my Mama, which of course is something I will always do, no matter how long it’s been, to just wanting to honor her. I want to live for the both (three) of us. I want to do good for the both (three) of us, and I for sure want to do as She would have done. Now it is up to me to do it for Us. I’m not trying to fill her shoes as they are very hard to fill, however, I will give my best to honor her in my school of life. Frankly I see her every morning in the mirror when brushing my teeth. Thank God!

This past year I have learned an incredible amount of how grief and it’s pain works, or not. One major aspect is the unpredictable. Grief is unpredictable. Still, Grief is nothing but Love. It’s never linear. There are so many ups and downs. Good and not good days, weeks. I come to realize though, no matter how hard I miss my Son or my Mama, they show themselves to me. Not how I ask, not how I wish, not how I expect, but how they see fit. (Note to self: Remember the ray of light and the monarch in the previous post?!) And if they want me to have a great time, maybe even a marvelous time, they make sure I will. They just won’t let me be sad, regardless of how much I embrace it. They let me be happy, they let me be good. They lift me up and carry me, and we dance.

September has come to an end, showing us the beautiful ways of letting go. It’s showing us the incredible art of preparing for the rest and recovery, for slowing down. As I observe these things within myself I can’t help but think of how much they were here in such a subtle way, to let me have loving days to celebrate. It was my peace after a month of sh!t storm built on emotion, heavy repressed grief, and anxiety.

And now, once again, I let go. I let go of the expectations of how I think it should work, and how I think I should feel, and sit with the awareness of how change is the only constant. Welcome October – The month marking Ryan’s one year Anniversary of his untimely death. I want to let go of the anxiety of how this day should or could look. May it come, as is, and however it presents itself. I will welcome it with my whole heart and soul…and then go from there. Happy Fall, my favorite season. I chose to let go of the anticipation of pain and agony, rather I sit with it when it is here, because so many times while sitting with it I witness how the anxiety and stress were all just mindfuckery (yes, I love that word too). Grief is love, not anxiety and stess. Really what needs to be observed is how in a very odd way ‘unbearably okay’ the pain of grief feels when observing it while holding the space and being present within that space.