#6

“Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can’t sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don’t come out right?
Have you ever? Have you ever?”

This song by Brandy came out in the 90s, my teen years. Today, after all this time it popped into my head and the water works were fully employed. I know it’s a ‘love song’ but the chorus hit home in a hard way, and it fit like a glove.

I’m a sucker for a good love song, but it was always in relation to romance. This part of the song shifted a bit for me this morning and I picked out what I needed, at the given time. Now. This chorus. I have not heard this song in at least a decade.

Many days are good in my world. Very many. I have three more beautiful children I grew in my womb, labored and birthed. Them and my dearest hubby- my family, they are my universe, tight nit and held together by Ryan, now. Really by love, but that’s what Ryan turned into after his soul was leaving the physical world (in my belief). They brighten my days even on the hardest. However, there are some that are just so darn heavy. Like today, or others. You wake up and everything just is. The usual, day by day routines, all is fine. Then suddenly it hits you again -I am aware I say this a lot, it’s just that many times -literally every day… and one of the biggest aspects of grief, I think; the fact that the loved one is never coming back through that door. They boy isn’t home…still. Yes! I have, and I am loving someone so much it makes me cry.

I sleep good. Most of the times. I do. Through the whole night – I found myself measuring my sleep in baby terms. Yay, I slept through the night. Or, I only woke up twice…Or, I didn’t sleep at all. The nights I wake up are either because I feel well rested, but mostly, I am trying to figure out what happened to my son. Where are the lies? Where are the hang ups? My son is gone…forever. No matter how many times he would or would not come out of his room, even if he popped his head out, less than a hand full of times in a day. You could hear him through his room door talking on the phone. Today, I hear his younger brother through the same door thinking Ryan is in it because they sound so much alike, it gives me the chills. But he is not in there, Ryan isn’t. And most of the time, it is at night, I wake up and remember that he isn’t in his room and that it actually isn’t his room anymore….it’s hard for us to realize how much we need our children in return. As adults we like to think they are the ones needing us. I need my kids ALL of them. They are my motivation to live a good, productive life, to pull my weight, be a decent human being, and always believe in myself that no matter what it is, I can do it because they rely on me. I lie awake because I never knew how much I needed my kid, until I couldn’t have him anymore. I need him so bad I can’t sleep at night.

Grief. A mess. Filled with nothing but raw love. That’s grief. That’s love. Like birth and death are one, so are grief and love one. Stages, waves, so many different ways to describe it, but can it actually be covered? The one constant thing about grief is, it is always there- For as long as we love. Finding words to describe this is nearly impossible and everything feels like rambling. It makes no sense. Ever. Only in my mind, no not there…only within me does it make sense. My mind seems too small to grasp it’s magnitude. Are the minds too conditioned to let the unseen in (shrug)? The feels are real but somehow that’s all I know. And that it never goes away. And that it’s a good thing. Maybe we don’t need to find the words for it, rather just embrace what we don’t know. Every time I feel good and have a great day it can change in an instance. It’s hard to say how we feel ‘today’. It is also hard to find the words to say what I mean cause they may just not come out right. Hence, it may seem I am repeating myself, while it all may be in a totally different context. Grief is complex. It is love. Love makes it hard to find words, it’s supposed to be felt. Feeling. It brings me close to Ryan,…because many times I try to find the words, but they just don’t come out right.

Have you ever? Have you ever? …