#14
There was no “Happy Heavenly 21st Birthday, Ryan’ post. There was also no candle lit on September 19th – l literally forgot. Next to it, the effort of making the home cooked Birthday Wish dinner was also not put in (until two days later)…we had Little Caesars Pizza and Breadsticks. Ryan worked there for three…
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#13
Sometimes we are forced into a break by events uncalled for. Events we have no influence over, events very much not anticipated. Yet, they put us to a stop. And that’s a good thing. Within these catapults to ‘yikes, quite close to home’ there is something triggering a curtain to be pulled open to let…
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#12
It’s been a while since I journal’d. There are a dozen drafts in my folder I can’t seem to finish. Not sure why. It’s been a numb feeling towards grief overall which, out of experience means the day will come when it hits me like a brick and I will cry my soul out and…
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#11
The other night at work a nurse asked me if I could take two patients to a different floor. Sure I can. I took out my little notepad and said ‘Hold on, let me write this down.’ They said “Really?” I said “Yes!” Two patients, all together four room numbers to remember – and they…
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#10
A Tribute to my Mama! 20 years. So long, so short, suddenly timeless. It was a day after the New Year rang in when I walked along a hospital hallway in Wuerzburg/ Germany, shortly after visiting hours. A nurse stopped me:” Excuse me, where are you heading?”. “I am here to see my mother. She…
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#9
What do you do? Without choice, keep going. At first I army crawled, then I crawled, then I got on my feet and took one step at a time. After that, I took several steps at a time, which turned into actual walking. From there I walked into a psychic mediums room and actually took…
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#8
September has come to an end. Fall is here…Fall with it’s beautiful ways of showing us how to let go. We choose or not to let go. I want to let go. I want to let go of so much. If I don’t let go I don’t open myself to new things. I am shut…
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#7
1000 miles/ 1600 kilometers we moved away from what we called our home for almost ten years. Today 10 months ago was the last time I spoke to my forever 19 year old. 10 months since the awful morning of our dog waking us because of a police officer banging on our door. What a…
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#6
“Have you ever loved somebody so muchIt makes you cry?Have you ever needed something so badYou can’t sleep at night?Have you ever tried to find the wordsBut they don’t come out right?Have you ever? Have you ever?” This song by Brandy came out in the 90s, my teen years. Today, after all this time it…
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#5
I get caught up scrolling through my pictures. There is one album dedicated to Ryan where I have collected all snapshots I have found and have been sent from different people from all over Germany, Florida, Pennsylvania,… But when I look through my own pictures I realize for a very, very long time it was…
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#4
I walk with my little guy, he is about to turn 1 soon. His blonde hair and blue eyes just about make it seem as if I kidnapped the little boy. He looks nothing like me, or the twins but has a lot in common with his oldest Brother Ryan. Next to that, he is…
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#3
It’s raining out…just a wet, gray and gloomy morning. As I am sitting here at the tiny table in my little cozy, creative, corner, looking out the window in front of me, a memory comes to mind. The kitchen window I am sitting at is facing our front yard. This is where our big garden…
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#2
It’s been four months today. It seems forever long since I last saw Ryan. On the other side, I look at his pictures and he is right here. I can feel and hear him close. “I gotchu, mom!” I’ve been working on trying to figure out certain things. One day I will have to let…
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Holding Space 